tuesday confessions.

Jack will be 8 weeks on Friday and in that short time, I have had just about every emotion under the sun.

Motherhood is exhausting, hard, rewarding, wonderful, frustrating. I could go on and on. In one moment I'm to my breaking point because he just won't go to sleep or he's not eating what I think he should be eating, then the next, Jack has smiled ear to ear at me and all those frustrations are out the window.

I've always heard that being a parent is hard, but before I had experienced it for myself, I just had no idea.

On the other side of that is the sheer joy I feel when I think about my little guy. Also, I love when anyone I know announces that they're pregnant or goes in to labor. Knowing that others are getting experience the love and adoration that I'm feeling is so exciting.

Just today a fraternity brother of John's and his wife had their little girl. And, seeing his excited updates on facebook made me want to cry and brought me back to the day that Jack was born. The excitement that I felt on that day is something I hope to never forget and, honestly, I want that feeling for everyone I know.

A sorority sister of mine is due any day now, and as embarassing as it is to admit this, I've been checking her facebook religiously to see how she's doing and find out when that baby is coming!

Being in the hospital, knowing that in just hours you're going to meet your child is so surreal. And the anticipation is almost agonizing. Then, when the baby finally arrives, sure there are nerves, but you just jump right in and start doing what you think is best. I've made my fair share of mistakes, but in the end, I always want to do right by my child.

I've looked back at my Belly Business posts and sure I complained about being uncomfortable and having heartburn or back pain, but I don't really remember all of that now. All I remember is the excitement of finding out I was pregnant and all the life changing experiences that have happened since then.

Of course there are also those moments when you remember what life was like before baby. I've thought about that a lot, and though I wouldn't change a thing, I do sometimes miss the carefree evenings and weekends. But, as Erin says, this is just a season, and in the grand scheme of things, what's a couple of weeks, months or years? Life will eventually get easier and things will start to come more naturally.

The other day the girl that writes this blog posted something about mommy guilt. That post hit so close to home for me. Not because I, too, was planning a first birthday party, but because I always want to do what's best and though I'm not always 100% sure what that is, I sometimes feel guilt that I'm not doing things perfectly.

When my parents were in town this past weekend (during which we took no pictures...ugh!), we met my uncle in OKC for lunch. Jack was fine in his car seat for the first 20 or 25 minutes at the restaurant, but after that he was not having it. He started wailing and there wasn't much we could do to make him stop.

All I could think of was what the other restaurant-goers were thinking about me and my wailing child. Finally I convinced my parents and uncle that we had to get out of there.

I know I'm not the first person whose baby has cried in a restaurant and I certainly won't be the last. And, I know that a crying baby is hardly a reflection of the parent that I am, but I can't help feeling a little guilty about disrupting other people's meals and not being able to soothe my own child.

Mommy guilt. This isn't the first time I've felt it and it won't be the last. And, I've said it a thousand times, I have to give up the idea that there is a perfect way to parent. Every single parent has good days  and bad days and I know that in the end, Jack will be perfectly fine because everything I do is done out of love.

So, there you have it. Almost 8 weeks worth of parenting "wisdom". Now, who's ready to become a mom?