Heavy

That post title says it all {and makes me think of this}. This probably won't be my most upbeat post ever, so if you're not in the mood ... you might think of skipping this one. And, if not, well ... I warned you!

I haven't had much experience with death. My dad's parents both died about 7 or 8 years ago {my grandfather passed away when I was a senior in high school, and my grandmother passed away when I was a sophomore in college}. And, I think since I was so selfish and into what was going on in my life, I have never really understood, or rather, wanted to understand and comprehend death and how to deal with it.

My mom's dad {Popi -- pronounced Popee} was recently moved into a nursing home and since then, has not been doing well. I've had a hard time dealing with this and not until I saw him on Friday afternoon did I fully understand what was going on.

J and I had been to Austin at the end of February and we saw him then. He had to go to the hospital on that Friday and we saw him there on Saturday. He was sitting up and talking and he'd read his usual newspapers. All in all, he was mostly the same Popi as usual {although he'd been, admittedly, slowing down lately and had lost weight}.

Anyway, when I saw Popi this past Friday, he was not the man I remember. In my opinion, he was a shell of himself. He was on oxygen, in bed and couldn't really talk. I was a bit shocked, and it was hard for me to see him like that. Luckily, on Saturday we were able to let him know that Brian {my brother who lives in Colorado} and I were both in town to see him. And, on Sunday, Brian was able to play an adorable video that his two kiddos had made for Popi. It made me smile and tear up at the same time. Popi even smiled a little when he heard Hunter and Hannah. It made me so happy!

When I left yesterday morning to drive back to Oklahoma, it was hard for me to keep myself composed enough to really drive home. And, when I got home, I had myself a good cry. And, John said something that has really hit home: As sad as I am, Popi wouldn't want me to be a wreck over all of this. He has led a great life, has been married to an amazing woman in my grandmother, Mia, and has two fabulous daughters.

One of the best memories I have of Popi is when he and my dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding. That's something that, no doubt, I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Ok, so back to death -- I feel like this is my first real experience with losing someone that I feel like I can't deal with losing. And, I hate that I feel that way for two reasons: 1. When my dad's parents died, I should have felt that way, and I still really regret that we weren't as close to them as we have been to Mia and Popi, and 2. I don't want to feel that way and then feel so sad about it. Popi wouldn't want that.

And, I feel like since I haven't ever dealt with this, I think I haven't always been the most compassionate about someone losing their life. And, that, makes me really feel guilty. Just being honest, here. I probably shouldn't feel like that, because I can only do the best that I can, but I'm just telling the truth, here, and you can bet that in the future, I'll do things differently.

Ok, enough of that. I'll leave you with a family picture we took over Thanksgiving -- I'm so glad we took this. I have a bunch of other pics of Popi, but they have to be scanned, and that's not really feasible at the moment, so hopefully I'll post more really soon.